I’m meeting with my Virtual Assistant today. She expects me to have checked off everything on my to do list. The truth is, I CAN’T DELIVER! I don’t know how it is for other teachers, coaches, therapists, or people who are on a spiritual path. I know for me, that as I be with the topics of my YouTube videos, my blogs and my life circumstances, more often than not I am being worked on the inside and the outside.
What I talk about, and what I write about has me go through the personal rock tumbler – as it were. None of what I share with you has effortlessly appeared smooth and shiny in print without first coming to personal awareness of the experience of being with that of which I speak or write. Throughout this spiritual process I’m uncomfortable in my skin. I feel emotional and irritable. I want to eat, drink, sleep – anything to distract me from how it is to be me! And, sometimes I just can’t deliver what I promised to my VA, to my friends, even to my pets! It is no wonder that people choose to ignore their passions, callings and inspirations. It can lead them towards a process of self-discovery that though exquisite can also be excruciating! This month, through my youtube videos, the theme is relationships and spirituality. Since I am in relationship with everything and everyone always, I am being stirred, shaken and poured through every cell of my being. Ouch!
It would be great if I was crying, or yelling with sadness and anger. But no. Its far more irritating to experience subtler nuances of sensations that I know are there yet have no real identity. I’m not sick, crazy or neurotic. I’m evolving. I’m transitioning. I’m transforming. I’m transcending the self I’ve been. I’m purging dense and yucky patterns of being. I say I’m purging as if I’m in control of this process. I am and I’m not. I am in control in that I am clear with my intentions to know ME as I AM! I am in control in that I’m aware of my discomfort and my fears, and yet ongoingly choose to choose to stay on my spiritual path – no matter what. I am in control in that I admit to what I’ve ignored, and what I’m powerless over. And I’m in control in that I willingly acknowledge what I’ve been holding on to. I’m also in control in my intention to surrender all of this so that I may again know ME as I AM.
Now, I let go! Now, I be with what is. Now I allow the purging, the discomfort, the sometimes debilitating aches that are experienced on all levels. I be with the Big-Fat-Be-With when some days there is nowhere to go and nothing to do. Being with what is can suck! Getting through those moments challenges so much of me. Rather than go back to sleep, I do what I know I can do without dismissing the truth of what my body, heart and soul are going through. I can feed myself and my pets, water my plants, take a nap, work with clients … but my creative brain is not available. I’m getting better at just letting it be. And…. little by little I realize I’m feeling more myself, more in joy, and more in gratitude for the way that it is.
I have my meeting with my VA. She – Alisha – anticipates my list of deliverables. Instead, I say, “I got nothing for you.” I share that I’m in my stuff right now and can’t move ahead. I can only be with what is. I share that I’m not in the space where I can be innovative and creative, that I can only do the tiny little details of life and not much else. I’m blessed to have Alisha as my VA. She says to me, “Rosie, that would be a great blog – to share what its like when you are in this Big-Fat-Be-With.” I say, “I can do that!”
The deliverables that are expected from our work environment, our families, our pets and ourselves too often distract us from being with the undoing of us – in the best possible way. We can’t make space or time for the unraveling. It feels as though its too much, and at times it is. And, the truth is, it is happening with or without your permission, without your control, without your input. That may sound contradicting, and it is! While at the same time its true. By just acknowledging the iness of your experience allows you to be with the both-and of this process: that you do what you can do throughout your day, and you allow the release of the old energies that is happening on its own. You may need to drink more water and go to bed earlier, because this process can be exhausting! Be patient with yourself and this ongoing spiritual process of transition, transforming and transcendence. Little by little you will experience yourself loving who you are, and most importantly respecting and honoring yourself throughout.
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