I’m angry. Sometimes, like now, I hate my life – not the part where I’m traveling and working internationally; not the part where I’m living on a secluded island that’s considered one of the most beautiful places on Earth; and, not when I’m working with clients that are empowering themselves to live in their brilliant creativeness. I’m angry and hate my life when I can’t have what I want when I want it.
Being on a spiritual path, it’s inevitable that I would come to the realization that I am not in charge – never was and never will be. The ego aspect doesn’t like that one bit. It begins kicking and shouting “I HATE YOU!!!” to God, to the world, well to anyone in earshot.
Cognitively, I’ve known all along, and said out loud and in writing that I’m willing to will God’s will. Well, that’s only when things are going the way I want. I HATE it when God’s will forces me to face and discern the absolute truth in relation to my relative truth – the things I want in the material world. I like saying that I am the eternal presence of Divine Grace. I lack nothing. I need do nothing but follow when divinely led. Being in direct experience with this truth can feel ecstatic. However, the aspect of me that is still entrenched in the consensus reality, linear causality and the like, it does not like giving up the illusion of being in control, which would allow me to believe I can make things happen.